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Autism and empathy – too much of it actually!

This needs to be in capital letters all of the way through. You need to know that I am shouting this as I type. I have tons of empathy. In fact, I have so much empathy that it ways me down and affects everything I do. I am autistic and I might even have more empathy than you do – who knew?

I was just trying to be funny in a sarcastic way in my above comment. I have no idea how much empathy you have and nor would I ever intend to judge it. It’s just that the stereotype really upsets me. Of course, if you struggle with empathy then I understand that too.

Ten minutes ago I was sitting on the tube in London – first world problem I know. A man of around my age was clearly suffering from anxiety and a host of mental health issues. His loud dialogue with himself sounded exactly like my inner dialogue with myself. He was angry about his decisions, he didn’t understand so much, he wanted to do things differently, he wanted to see things differently. His pitch and pace and anguish increased and intensified. I felt every breath and word and my body began shaking with a desire to intervene and help. He had a large stick with him and all I could see was the scene where Mr Hyde bludgeons a man to death. Because of this, I was too scared to go to this man. I feel terrible about that. Maybe one kind word could have made a difference to him today? I am a fan and devotee of the JB Priestly message in An Inspector Calls. Just a small act of kindness or unkindness can make a massive difference. We need to know the story behind someone. There is always a story.

It sounds arrogant to say that I feel everything. Oh well, I have been accused of worse. I really do. Because of this, I have ended up becoming a ‘caretaker’ for many dysfunctional and downright destructive personalities and people. I only just realised this.

I am aware that autism can affect empathy, and I understand that alexithymia and similar conditions are debilitating and add extra layers to what is already a ‘disability’ of sorts. I have no idea if I am allowed to say that? I think that I am great, but I have to conclude that being me feels like a ‘disability’ when trying to function and navigate the world that I am in.

But, in this blog about me, I am talking about me, and I have loads of empathy. I actually wish I had less. I didn’t think that before. I thought that I was helping and caring and saving everyone but now I realise that I was trying to help and care and save me. I had learned to be the ‘caretaker’ early on and just carried on. All of the books that I have read recently about personality disorder make complete sense. All of the books make sense, but they never take account of, or allow for, a relationship where the recipient or victim, is autistic. I think that this needs to be explored because we can be far more trusting and far more vulnerable to manipulation and abuse. But as I said, next post.

If you read the threads – is that the right word? And the forums, on AS groups you will see more caring and compassion and concern than I have encountered in over half of a hundred years wandering around this planet. I am not seeing and hearing and feeling a lack of empathy or a capacity to care. In fact, these women have experienced trauma and hurt and rejection for years. They are confused and scared. But yet they care without judgement about the words and feelings of everyone else.

Somehow, somewhere, the myth has been created about autism and it suited people to believe it, me included until recently. I think that it sort of means that people can congratulate themselves on a lucky escape and then justify their own lack of care and compassion. Ironic? Is that irony? I’m only an English teacher, why would I know?

It isn’t enough to keep preaching to the converted. Somehow I really want everyone else to know that we are here and that we see and hear and feel and care. That’s ok isn’t it?