Autism ADHD and so much more.

Recently I asked a group of autistic women if they felt that their autism was a disability.

What they said was not what I was expecting. I expected something about sensory differences or social expectations and exclusion.

And whilst all of those are true for most of us, most of the time, they were not what the women I asked told me. They told me that being autistic was a disability because they are targets for abuse, and they never seem to be able to see it coming, to protect themselves, or to understand what is happening and why.

Of course, being abused is in no way exclusive to autism or other neurodivergent states of being, but it does seem that something is going on and we most definitely need to talk about it. Why might so many autistic people report being abused and bullied. I am guessing that it is probably every autistic person in one way or another, if they realised what was being done. And that is the first problem.

One of our special skills is that we are not as judgemental as others. We view everyone with interest and awe and wonder, just as we would like to be treated ourselves. I have always believed that everyone has a story: a reason for doing something. And I try to learn the story to understand the person. This means that I don’t make a quick judgement, in fact, I never make a judgement. I don’t want someone to do that to me, so why would I do that to them.

But until my diagnosis and my subsequent research and learning, I had no idea that there were so many personality types. I thought we were all sort of the same but that some of us just thought more and said more and were more honest. But a different neuro type? I just had no idea. The neurotypicals, or Predominant Neuro Type (PNT) seem to be able to tell a user or an abuser. And the users and the abusers seem to know not to target them.

Neurotypicals are born with an inbuilt guidebook to life on the planet. They have secret rules for socialising and communicating and, they can judge based on body language alone. We are not born with this rule book but unless our autism is recognised, we often don’t even know that it exists. And even then, many specialists and teachers and even parents of autistic children try to train the students to understand, follow, and fit in with a guidebook that isn’t theirs.

So how could I recognise someone with bad intentions at first glance. Or second or third glance. If they sound like they are being nice to me, then I will believe that they are being nice to me. It is as simple as that.

Of course, I now know that it isn’t simple at all. Even within the neurodivergent community there are personality disorders that rely on manipulating and abusing others. So, it is certainly not a simple division from NT to ND. But it is true that the vast majority of us suffer bullying, emotional abuse, rejection, isolation, criticism and many other forms of manipulation, control, and abuse.

It starts right at the beginning of course. An early years’ study conducted by Dr Nadine Burke across the USA found direct correlation between behaviours, mental health, and early and ongoing trauma. Whilst the trauma for autistic children may not be deliberate or malicious, the effect of being made to feel that something is ‘wrong’ with you and that you are not doing anything right, will have the same, maybe even worse, trickle-down effect of reducing confidence, lowering self-esteem and created the kind of self-blame and people pleasing that sets us up for a lifetime of abuse. You may be able to tell, that this is exactly how the last 55 years have been for me and I am only just seeing through the terrible fog that has shrouded everything for me, keeping me trapped in the belief that I am never good enough, must try harder, and must be to blame for every rejection and invalidation.

If we don’t see and hear and feel unconditional love and care, and if we are told that we must become more like something that we are not, and can never be, how will we ever expect to be valued and treated as an equal. This is a terrible and tragic issue. If we can confront this head on with honest stories now, then my hope is that young people with wonderfully different brains and marvellous potential to change and challenge the world, will never have to suffer a lifetime of abuse.

As part of a complete overhaul of the way educational establishments include and support autistic children, I believe that we have an obligation to protect the basic human rights of everyone. The right to dignity and the right to education free of fear or oppression. And yes, abuse is oppression. It might be subtle and might even be unintentional, but the effect will be the same becomes the freedom to be the best autistic person that they need to be, will be taken away from them.

This is what I want to start a discussion about. From the adults who have experienced it and then to reach across to the people that have done and are doing this to us. Some will be teachers and parents who think that they know best but have their own NT agenda to reinforce, and some will be the abusers that we didn’t recognise.

Nearly all of the women that I talk to have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and many are diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, but I wonder if their bodies and brains have just collapsed when fighting to be seen and heard just becomes too much. The pain and stress of masking for many years, often without realising it ourselves is eventually too overwhelming and is often the time that we finally get our life changing diagnosis. A diagnosis that often comes too late to change many years of confusion, isolation, rejection, and judgement based on a rule book we never even had access to.

Please share stories and thoughts so that we can start a campaign to raise awareness and change this awful prognosis. And my hope is that neurotypicals will be on board to recognise their own behaviour and belief patterns, and to recognise that ours may well be different.

Different but equal; equal but different.

I present, and coach, and support children, parents, and schools in revising the way that they understand autism and how they include autistic children with language and expectations that are suited to their individual ways of feeling, and seeing ,and hearing, the world differently. feelingtheworlddifferently.co.uk