Autism ADHD and so much more.

An introduction to my autism and its unique and different processing systems.

Why don’t I fit in? What did I do wrong? Why didn’t they like me? What did I say? Why can’t I say that?

These words have been my constant companions for over fifty years. For over half a century I have been wandering around in a fog of confusion, and often chaos. I kept going always expecting to emerge into a bright new day. Now I know who I am and why; after years of misunderstanding and misdiagnosis, I finally know that I am autistic and in fact, I didn’t do anything wrong. I feel and see and hear the world differently and it is time that the world tried to understand that.

When you feel and see and hear the world differently, the world can feel like a scary and confusing place to be. My autism means that I process everything differently. My late diagnosis means that I spent many years wondering why I couldn’t fit in. If you could understand me more, you might like me better. And if autism is understood for what it really is, then society might finally become the autism friendly place that I am looking for.

When it was first suggested to me that I might be autistic I searched for information that might help me recognise myself. Reading the wonderful autobiographies of other autistic women was enlightening and gave me hope that there was a place where I might belong. But nothing really explained me; nothing gave me examples of the ways that I feel and see and hear the world. My aim in my writing, and my podcasts, and my training material, is to do exactly this. Of course, I can only talk about me because autism is different for everyone. But in everything that I have read and studied, there do seem to be similarities and overlaps. I am often asked for a list of differences to help people identify and recognise themselves. But more than this, we need to be able to help others to understand us. I think that we need a translation guide.

In the words of Dr Luke Beardon, autism is not a tragedy, but living in a society that doesn’t understand it can be.

Hi, I am Tracy, I am a 55-year-old retired English and Drama teacher. I feel and see and hear and process the world differently. I believe that it is different but equal and equal but different, but I don’t believe that will be an experience we all feel until society becomes more autism friendly.

As part of my MA in Autism Studies I am researching ways that society could indeed become more autism friendly. The first way is that more of us talk about how it really is, and how it really isn’t. Until we challenge and change the way that autism is understood we won’t have much chance of an inclusive life. So many autistic people are misunderstood because autism is misunderstood.

 I only learned to recognise my autism at age 51 and diagnosis initially shocked and confused me, but now I know that I didn’t understand autism for what it really is and what it really isn’t.

There are too many myths and misconceptions and misunderstanding, all of which add to the stereotypes and the stigma. If more of us talk about the ways in which we feel and see and hear and process the world differently, then maybe we can change understanding of autism.

Why might it be that society doesn’t seem to understand enough about autism and how can we change that?

So many groups of people who think, or feel, or behave differently are readily accepted, understood, and even protected, but often this doesn’t seem to be the same for people who are autistic. There are so many myths and misconceptions leading to a myriad of misunderstandings, that the truth about what autism really is, and really isn’t, is often hidden behind the stereotypes and stigma.

In the recent documentary about autistic minds, Dr Chris Packham created a digital image of the way that his brain sees and seeks out knowledge. Dr Camilla Pang, in her book Explaining Humans, refers to what she calls tree thinking: the way that her brain and her thoughts flow and grow.

I call this my Sherlock Holmes thing – but without the ability to solve crimes. I see and hear and feel and process everything all at once, which often causes physical and mental meltdowns. I know this now, but I have spent over fifty years thinking that I am just awkward or ungrateful or too fussy. There have been occasions where I have presumed that I felt uncomfortable, or unable to cope, because the people didn’t like me, or because of something that I had said or done. And whilst that might have been true, I would often cause an argument or become hysterical, so that I could find a reason to leave.

If I had been able to identify what was really happening to me, and if I had been able to explain, then maybe I could have navigated life in a way that wouldn’t have left me feeling confused, rejected, and feeling unable to fit in.

If we all talk more about how we feel and hear and see the world, then my hope is that the world will become a place that is more autism friendly than we often feel it is right now.

My hope is that we start to talk about our autism in ways that others can recognise and understand. As part of my MA in Autism Studies, I am creating material for autism recognition and identification without lists of deficits or impairments. Whilst the language is negative and focussed on disorder and disability, it is not surprising that autism is misunderstood.

Difference, disorder, or disability?

Because autism is often discussed and diagnosed by deficits, and with lists of things that we apparently can’t do, the focus of articles is often on this alone, which inevitably just reinforces the belief that this is overwhelmingly a disability. It would be totally disingenuous of me to pretend that living as me has been easy, and I have certainly felt disordered. Now that I understand more, I can recognise that my way of seeing and hearing and feeling and processing the world can certainly feel like a disability, but if society understood the true nature of autism, and was just a little more autism friendly, then maybe my strengths would shine through, and we could discuss some of the positives of being autistic instead.

Of course, if you are comforted by the words disorder and disability, then you should use them. We will all cope differently with diagnosis and with the realisation of – so that’s why I do that – and this – and why that happened etc. If disability helps with support and understanding, then fab. If taken willingly then why not, but if forced upon us in a non- consenting way, then I have to ponder what to do about this. Who has decided the standard brain? And why? Everyone is different. Hurrah for that. And if we are a different kind of different, well then surely even more hurrah. We just extended different and made it even more – well different. 

There don’t seem to be enough examples of autistic people doing successful things because of, or even despite their autism. When I speak in schools, I am always told that parents and their children feel more hopeful about autism because they didn’t realise that it ‘could look and sound like me’. They believed the stereotype and for years so did I. Autism looks and sounds differently in us all, just like love and life and trauma and pain and hope and dreams look and sound different for us all. My hope is that by talking about how we feel and see and hear things differently, autism we be felt and seen and heard differently.